Psychology - On Parenting

I am no parent myself, but I spend enough time to read reasearch articiles, blogs and experiences. I also observe around my life, people and their mistakes on this bit, parenting. 

Well, it makes sense that I am starting to write exclusively on Parenting, as the topic is very broad and way too deep. It simply cannot limited to a single post.

Well today, let me write in brief about the most common mistakes parents do. Children these days are smart, and there is no denial there. Babies are far more intelligent today, learn quick and emulate the surroundings way fast and quicker than the children in 70s, or 80s. The intelligence they carry, via the genetic memory or in their DNA from their parents combined with the kind of exposure to technology, takes their IQs more than the parents. As much as an individual learns, the genetic memory + acquired knowledge of the child, keeps the child far more intelligent than the parent. And sadly this is a gap that keeps increasing similar to a Fibbinocci series. There is no reversal to this. Understanding this perspective and accepting that the child is far more intelligent than the parent, is one first step. 

But the second and crucial step, is very important. Don't every play dumb to your kids. Many parents do the common mistake of presenting themselves naive and ignorant, to give a moral boost to their child to feel proud of him/herself. That is totally wrong. You may handle any other means and methods to encourage your child, to make them feel better. But DO NOT, belittle yourselves. It may be nice at the beginning, but as years progress, the pespective the child develops in its mind is that you are dumb and not intelligent. The child may begin to admire someone else within the family or from outside the family. Apparently the child begins to choose mentors outside the family, and wrong examples the child sets for itself are costly.

Read here - The Confusion Prevailing over Mentors

It becomes a constant battle, between the child and the parent, once the child begins to have the notion that his/her parent(s) are not intelligent enough to learn from/emulate. 

Keep an intelligent poise and let your child realize his/her parents have had battles and life experiences that are valuable to look up to and learn from. Do not do the mistake of playing dumb to your child, for his/her confidence or feel good factor and repent as he grows in to adolescence assuming you aren't intelligent enough. To change that perspective would be a much tougher battle to fight.  

Love,

De Old Sage!

Success?

What is success?

There's a lot of lack of clarity in what the most wanted and most sought after word means.

Multiple people within the same homogeneous group will have different perceptions of what success means to them.

In the entertainment industry, a person might want to be the most famous personality and want lot of fan base following them. Another person in same industry might want to earn the highest paycheck. Another person might want to access technologies and catch up with latest developments and see sucess as being the most knowledgeable personality with a quench for thirst for their own knowledge.

A common man too might fit in above categories and seek social acceptance or riches or have a quest for knowledge. It can also be a combination of one or more of the examples and have more and personal perceptions of success.

So sucess and being successful is a personal perspective rather than emulating and comparing it to a different person.

Such clarity doesn't usually exist among most of us and we compare ourselves or our beloved ones to someone else and get distracted from what we like doing.

It takes a different level of maturity to gain that understanding.

Have you got it today?

Love,

Embrace the Difference

Four of us are sharing a car ride from our office, on the way we happen to see an incident where a young girl was loudly crying. It's not quite the normal scene and hence a crowd was slowly getting attracted to the spot.

As we pass by, one person assumes a sexual assault could have taken place and the girl could have been attacked. The second person says the girl who possibly was driving hit her vehicle and fell off the road. The third person says a thief could have snatched valuables and disappeared in to the neighbouring deserted area covered with overly grown weeds and trees.

Can you relate to such a situation? As in where multiple people taking multiple assumptions? These perspectives from different people arise due to differences in thought processes which are totally different according to each individual.

Such differences in thoughts are the genesis for differences in perspectives, such different perspectives lead to different approaches, motivations and intentions.

The above is just a small level analysis in terms of differences. Now take a huge perspective where the sample size is hundreds of people taking approach to same situation.

Such differences of opinion should be celebrated as it provides insights and exposes us to a different thought process which we otherwise might neglect or be ignorant about.

So the next time you want to argue about the difference in opinion, try embracing it. You get a new perspective free of cost.

Love,

Sibling Rivalry

Wherever you are in a public place like a railway station, airport or temple or any random place with a sizable crowd and families staying put, take a look to see children of age 4 to 5, and how they deal with their younger siblings below age 2.

Most likely one could spot sibling rivalry or abuse of the elder one. This so happens because of the sense of insecurity and losing importance by the elder child's parents, especially that of the mother's.

The elder child feels he or she lost the attention and love and begins to feels the rivalry against the root cause, the new baby which now has become the center of attraction.

The elder child feels it's territory encroached and feels being competed upon for the mother's lap, mother's attention, and being given importance by several others in the family.

A child of two or three or four has no maturity to realize that the new source of competition is actually his or her own belonging.

As the younger one matures being subject to ill treatment or physical abuse of the elder one, the rivalry intensifies in an array of issues such as belongings of toys etc, as the siblings get mature with age, the boundaries get wider and more hatred gets developed in various aspects.

How to tackle?

Parents should well prepare the elder one mentally with regards to the new arrival and create a sense of welcoming home of the new baby.

Once the new one arrives, the parent, particularly the mother must spend enough time with the elder baby as well.

Depending upon the age, the elder child should be given very small and basic responsibility to care for the young one.

The sense of togetherness must be inculcated at a very young age which will reduce the friction of sibling rivalry.

Write back to me in the comments section below.

Parenting is an art! How ready are you, as a parent?

Love,

What's lacking in this selfish world?

As the title outlays the theme for the post, today's world is taking its steps towards a selfish living. This is mainly because we're lacking a basic trait, empathy!

Empathy is largely different from sympathy and is most often interchangeably confused.

We humans are losing the most important qualifier for emotional intelligence by not being empathetic.

Whether it's at work where a manager has unrealistic expectations not actually knowing the basic intricacies of work outcomes or personal relationships where we fail to think of the perspectives, emotional and other needs, intentions or motivations of our partners.

There's this saying, people were meant to be loved and things meant to be used, sadly it's otherwise and this needs to be addressed at grass root level, parenting!

Love,

Power of Influence

It was during my late teen years when I happened to see a documentary on Oprah Winfrey. There was this unexplainable feeling that I could resonate to every word that described the life of this Media Mogul. Her past seemed to be similar, her determination seemed to be similar, her achievements seem similar to my aspirations. Going deep dive and trying to know more about this person and her respect for Maya Angelou and their relationship seems similar to what I hold with a mentor of mine. Unknown to her, unmet, Oprah Winfrey has seeded deeply in myself that my aspirations can be tapped with my potential and that they can be crowned as achievements that might instill a similar effect on another person and thus, the cycle continues.

Influence is so powerful that the influencer might not even been alive during the same span of our lives and might have lived hundreds of years back.

Shakespearian words gives me goosebumps like none else. His plays are a great source of influence that inspire several writers as myself. If I read an article about his skull missing in the cemetery, it gives me chills down my spine. Influence is the medium to feel related to someone or their thoughts actions or achievements.

Now think what happens when someone so ignorant chooses a wrong source of influence. Choose wisely.

Love,

Childhood Memoirs

Reaching out to all of you out there, through my various posts on behaviors, psychology & relationships has been a pleasant journey. A lot of you have agreed on while the other lot has agreed to disagree with me. Well, that's the balance of life, one needs to adjust to live. I receive more personal mails and messages than comments on the blog.

One friend of mine, pointed out "superiority complex" portrayed in my posts, while I had to defend myself for the limitless levels of inferiority complex I've had to deal with and learn a hard way to cope up with people and life.

Below is one such memory of my childhood in a residential school where I was initially lost in trying to stabilize with the changes in the environment. This was the first school I went to that had a library,   a place that mostly resembled a museum, largely due to the silence associated with it, like the ones that I've visited from my previous schools as a one day trip.

While trying to adapt about being on my own was itself a huge complexity, academics was another area that I had to fight with. Thanks to the excellent food there that puts me to sleep in the morning hours. While I'm active out of my slumber, it's time for lunch and again I go back on a slumber for the afternoon sessions.

Once a week there is an hour at the library, where we pick up a new book in exchange for the old book we had taken in the past week. I never knew why I picked those books in the first place, forget about reading them. In few weeks a slip was handed over where all of us had to summarize the contents of the book and submit at the time of returning the book. Wait, I've never read them ever! I simply copied the back cover blurb of the book and returned the book to the librarian.

I had no clue he was so jobless to sit and read the summary of all submissions. Or may be that was his key responsibility, who cares!? He called me forward and asked me to extend my arm, and there he struck my arm with a yellow wooden scale. I'm not sure if those wooden rulers still around in the market here!

While adapting to the environment, academics being complex enough at a very young age, with no support on how to adapt to a new life, forcing things down is a pain that's hard to explain. And what more can be painful when you realize you're the source for your fellow mates to laugh at!?

Now, who was the one who sent me that text on "Superiority Complex?"

Things have changed far for good and I've published my first book at the age of 26, an age half of it at which the Academic Head of the same school published his first.

Now, that's not Superiority Complex, rather I'd call it, living well. What else could be the best revenge?

Love,

Unconditional love

When I logged in to work today, there was an instance where one of my managers (Yes, you read that right! I have four managers!) quoted from Bible, "it's not good enough to be good to those who are good to us, we must be good to those who are not being good to us, that is unconditional love." While the situation and usage seemed largely irrelevant for him to quote this, it made me feel a blessing in disguise. A message that Lord Jesus sent me through him, particularly on this day!

I had a very bad start with a lot of annoyance from a source who's a constant negative energy in my life draining the positivity of my life. While that quote soothes the mind, don't we feel like, "Is there no limit for all this Bullshits?" I mean, how long do we just keep being good.

Lord Krishna says in Gita during the war to Arjuna, "Non violence must take it's origin through violence. One must not simply use non violence as a defense mechanism for cowardice."

Swami Satchidananda, the founder of my school which shaped a majority of me, says, "you love me, I'll love you back, if you don't love me, I'll not love you. I'll seek someone who loves me back" Swamiji says that isn't love, he laughs and says he's got a different name and reveals, "such a situation is called business, not love."

While these sayings and quotes make us feel good, is this practically possible? Not all of us are Teresa and Satchidananda. If all were, they won't be recognized for what they are. From a common man perspective, I have a  question, "Why does the sufferer keep suffering and call it unconditional love? Can't those useless creeps feel pity for being such a pain in our lives and think reciprocally?"

Do you have thoughts that help me and those who face similar situations? Comment below!

Love,

Dependency is evil

Consciously I've done everything possible to avoid being a dependent. To the maximum extent possible, I avoid taking help and do most of the things by myself.

But without ever realizing, I've allowed a lot others to be a dependent on me. A handful who felt better having dependency on me, a few I had pet myself and nurtured as my dependents.

When the realization struck me, I began to say no to these dependents. Neither do I nurture them, nor do I encourage those who depend on me.

It's great to be on our own. Similarly, it's great to see whom you care for being on their own. Saying no is a beautiful way to see your beloved ones grow. Say no & watch them grow.

When all else is lost, the one within survives. One must be ready and take practice to be thyself. When there's no other way out, take help.

Say no, kill dependency!

Love,

Marriages are made in heaven & broken in Earth

It's an old saying, marriages are made in heaven. Now it's time to append and add few words to it... And broken in earth.

Gone are the days when either or both partners took conscious efforts to keep the marriage alive. I've known couples who never got to look at each other's face until at the place where the marriage took place.

Having been brought in different culture and life styles, the initial roads of the married life are often filled with bumps. A German couple who attended my cousins wedding advised, "the first five years are the toughest, and then awaits a beautiful life ahead."

But how many couples are willing to take it beyond that period or even willing to understand that differences need to be embraced and sorted out?

Food is a personal boundary, and there are many others that should not be crossed.

I've known a man who's family is used to having a meal at night. When he married a woman who's used to eating lite dinners and not rice, started to pinch the basic rights of livelihood. Many other reasons collided and they ended up in divorce.

I had to caution this man in his second wedding as he planned to make his fiance to cook meals for him and tiffin for herself for supper. I had to explain the pain of cooking different dishes for different persons, thereby increasing efforts in cooking and cleaning. And then it struck this man about how personal spaces were being compromised and how to cope up with individual demands.

Empathy, not sympathy is a key to embrace marriages. However, it has to be a conscious effort of the two people involved.

High networth, networks, ability to influence and persuade, all these backed by employability and self made possessions have contributed to collapses of weddings.

Marriages were made in Heaven to last, not to be broken in Earth.

Love,

The Weak Becomes Adamant

When anyone comes across someone with an adamant character, it's natural for common folk to judge them for a negative attitude.

With years of observation and lots of people I've observed so far, the root of adamance points and tapers to weak souls.

The ones who are weak are often taken advantage of. The weak ones have gone through a lot of compromises, a lot of adjustments and sacrifices.

As these weaklings evolve in accordance to Darwin's survival of the fittest, the route they choose is adamance. It becomes easy to put their foot down, be rude and have their say by being adamant.

Next time you see someone adamant, don't be quick in your judgments. Who knows their past?

Let them own their perceptions!

Roughly about two years back, this incident had occurred. It was the first evening we were dining at the new hostel during my MBA program.

I don't remember the situation where I used such a statement, but I still remember what I mentioned.

Me: I give back more than what I get. As long as someone is good to me, I'll be good, and when it's other way around, I give it back more than what I get.

Second person: smiles.

That statement was not made with any intention of addressing anyone. Just had to use it in the situation.

Third person: (in my absence) Look at his attitude. I wonder how the next two years are to pass with such a person.

A fourth person who happened to be a silent spectator and a well wisher of me, informed me about the conversation later requesting me to be careful among people who judge so blindly and talk in absence of the party involved.

I just replied him, let him have his own perceptions, I'll remain what I am. There will come a time, when his perception would change and he would understand me. Honestly, I have not done anything after that.

Time rolled by, we were either too busy or too useless at different times of the calendar. In one such instance, just as I told, this person had a chance to realize about me and correct his perceptions about me. Without any effort from my side. And then we happened to be the best friends there after.

Today's take away: Let them own their perceptions and be free to have their thoughts... Just remain what you are. There will come a time when people will realize their mistakes. Don't ever correct anyone with their thoughts. Let them remain what they are, and you remain as what you are.

Perceptions are theirs to keep!